im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
