she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Randomize
