Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
