i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
