Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
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