i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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