Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
