That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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