I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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