i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
