Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
