Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Is Oprah even human
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
