Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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