dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
