After last night, I could never be a politician.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
