she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
