Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
