I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
