I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
