i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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