We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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