Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Randomize
