i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
