Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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