that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
