Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
My ATM looks so different sober.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
