apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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