What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
