i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
i think my cat just said my name.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
