Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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