Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
