Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
