I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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