I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Randomize
