She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
