Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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