Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
