If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
