I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
