The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
