Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
