Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
