I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize