Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
