I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
