he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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