I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
