the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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