i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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