she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
