Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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