Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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