If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
