I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize