there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I think we might need a safe word for this...
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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