So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize