I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
